Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
