I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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