Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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