Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.