In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
