Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
