I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
