if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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