I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
