do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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