so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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