My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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