my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
