I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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