On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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