wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
