Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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