To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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