just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
