He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
