did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
