eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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