I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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