Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
