so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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