She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Couch. On fire.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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