There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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