remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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