Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
