I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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