im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
