i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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