and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We have started to decorate penises.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
