You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
