1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
