I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
