What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
