I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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