just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
