I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
