He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
