yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
