I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
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