Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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