Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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