My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
