my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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