If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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