Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
its liver damage thursday
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
