I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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