The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
