When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
