I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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