just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
