Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I am one with the molecules
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
