Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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