I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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