No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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