Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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