fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
